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You always thought things would be different
You dreamt of a world that was easier
Where you just simply lived and things flowed.
You are realizing now that life is a daily struggle.
Wake up and feel alive
Just do it, it won’t be simple but you will feel good after awhile,
Or at least that’s what I tell myself.
Maybe you should too

I hated the world
But I was really only hating me.

Awesome sky. Picture doesn’t even do it justice

Awesome sky. Picture doesn’t even do it justice

What grew after the fire


We were born of flint spark and black ink plume 
Of forest reduced to cinder reduced to earth, ready to yield 
Of ash cursed skin tatted with the stroked brush of a fire poppy bloom
Of roots knitted in limb and knotted tongue
We are an ode to sorrow unwritten by rain
Forever threaded yet quietly undone 

There is so much to me
That I’ve never been brave enough to tell
Doesn’t make me less alive
It just makes me scared,
Same as usual.
Little has changed
Since those childhood days
These will be my secrets till the day I die.
We all keep things private
We all keep up appearances.
So do I
But I’m just a little more protected because fear, is just another thing I’ve never conquered.

It’s been almost a year now,
Since my world changed.
Somehow I’m still stuck
In that Saturday morning.
They told me that everything was going to be okay
Though I knew damn well that it wasn’t.
I still thought that the world had some sort of magic in it.
I don’t believe it anymore and to be honest
When they died, I think part of me died too.

Lying with ghosts

Everything was the same
Until it wasn’t anymore
And I guess I’m learning
That this how it goes
All those things that made you
Feel comfortable, happy
Nothing lasts forever
Though I always counted on you
It’s all over now
Yet I still look back
Still try my best to move backwards
Staying in the same town
That broke my heart
Loving for the sake of holding on
To the things that meant the most.
Living in rewind, it’s never as good
The second time.
Maybe this place will hold onto me,
When no one else will
The memories that are locked and buried
They can bring me warmth
Though never progress
I’m lying with ghosts
Hoping one day they will find me a new home.
How have I been so naive?

Im feeling pretty shitty lately. I haven’t posted very much, I’ve been gone for a while. Mostly because I got a new job and it doesn’t allow me much time to write, and honestly that feels like crap. I feel like I’m rusty and I don’t know. I’m not doing well. I guess I really need to take the time out to write about everything to try and make myself feel better because it usually it works.
There has been so much that’s happened in the past year, I feel like the entire year has been a transition for me. I’ll starting with finding out my dog was dying about this time last year. Then Cory Monteith died which honestly did hit me a little bit because of the nature of his death. Then the accident which changed my life drastically and caused me to lose sight of my life. I thought I had things figured out then, and honestly a lot of it was the fact that after the kids died, I really didn’t see the point of all that pain. My dog was put to sleep this year, my uncle is dying. My mother in law finally made the decision to go to rehab but the days leading up to that were some of the most stressful of my life. Thinking that she was going to be dead, that I would have to be there for her sons as they dealt with that tragedy. She’s not sober again, and it’s back to being stressful and painful to watch. I’ve seen so much pain this year. I’ve had so much pain. My new job isn’t what I expected nor is it what I wanted. My friends all graduated college and I am left feeling like I have accomplished nothing. My ex best friend just got engaged, to the guy I set her up with. I didn’t get the phone call I wanted. Ive had lots of money problems. It has not been easy. I’m thankful for everything I have but I’m starting to realize I lived my life in a cloud of weed and sometimes alcohol and although I know I’m not addicted to either (I’ve stopped multiple times with no issues) I know I did it to make my pain less. Self medicated so to speak. And since I am now trying to save money I will be stopping for awhile. I think this will lead to me writing more, at least I hope. But since I have an anxiety disorder and no insurance for medication, I know that I will be hurting a lot. But through the pain I will hopefully find clarity and find the me I’ve been at crossroads with this whole year. Hopefully this will be a good thing for me. But I’m
Asking for support, I need it. I haven’t been around very much but this community has helped me so much in the past and I’m asking for help again.
If anyone has any advice for me. I wouldn’t mind having it in my inbox.
Thank you for reading if you did. I know it’s a jumbled mess and I’m sorry.

Suppose I knew this would catch up
Suppose I couldn’t last standing on a mountain top
The air was too tight in my lungs.
A feeling I’m pretty familiar with.
When will that mountain
Be easier for me?
I need to get to the top again
This time, I don’t want the pain.