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Sometimes I wonder if we are the only ones looking for happiness
Or just the only ones willing to talk about how hard it actually is.

I can see the beauty
And then it falls away.
I see the colorful bird
I see it get closer and closer
Then watch it fly away
I can never make it stay.

He made me a CD and it got me through some impossible times
I could never love him, at least not the way it was so clear he wanted.
I shut him out, moved on, never let him in again.
Just a year later I cried over the boy that did the same
Repeated over and over how unfair life could be and didn’t stop to think about karma and how completely fair it really is.
I cut open my heart enough times to know that now.
I can’t stop the apologizes from falling from my lips.
These things don’t matter, not now, not ever.

The world will never be perfect.
We are trying to be controlled. Controlled like animals are controlled.
It’s just so broken,
But we have the option of living.
We have the option of not conforming. We have the option of just simply being us.
Will you take it?

I was never worried about myself alone
Until you came around
And now every second I’m by myself
I can’t clear my head of you
It’s enough to make me crazy
It’s enough that I may lose my mind
Though at this point,
I don’t know if it will be such a loss.

What depression will never tell you

You have people who care about you.
No matter how much it feels like you don’t.
You do.
It’s never too late to turn things around.
Things are NEVER as bad as they seem.
Love is worth it.
Family is worth it.
Life is worth it.
The way rain feels after a hot and humid day is fucking worth it.
You are worth it.
Confession: I am suicidal, have been for a long time. I say it on tumblr, but I never dare say it out loud.
That would make it, well, real.
Making it real, that would make me coward.
Society tells us that, our friends and family tell us that, the media, school, everything, everyone.
It’s really fucked up. It really is. I mean that, life is fucked.
The funny man of our childhood is dead
The man that an entire world adored for the way he mad us laugh is dead.
He hung himself with a belt. And I’m sorry, I understand that we are supposed to be sensitive, I get we shouldn’t give people an action plan but I’m fucking done with that.
I’m done pretending like I haven’t had one. I’ve had more then one, I’ve had plenty. I’ve looked at those pills in my parents medicine cabinet, I’ve touched the blade of my razor. I’ve thought about driving my car over a cliff, I’ve found high enough buildings. I’ve obsessed. Robin Williams hanging himself with a belt does not give me an action plan. Every single person who has ever felt that black hole of depression has thought about the ways. We all have.
I’m done hiding, I’m done with trigger warnings, I’m done with soft. I never got the tough love I should have because I was way too afraid of telling anyone how deep in I really was.
If one person reads this, if this reaches anyone, I’ll be happy. Because no one ever told me this and I’m sorry but I am so not sorry. Not anymore.
Depression will never tell you how much of a coward you are not. If you can look at what just happened, if you can look at Robin Williams and still think you are alone, well then you absolutely need to talk to someone. You need to get help. We all have dark moments. You are not alone and I am so sorry no one told you that. I know that life seems dark, it seems broken. Do yourself a favor and look at the world. If you can for one second go outside and look at the world, look at the stars, look at the sun. Feel the rain after a humid and sticky day. Run around in it. Tell someone you love that you love them. The world can be beautiful, all you have to do is let it.
There is no doubt in my mind that Robin Williams didn’t see himself as we did. He didn’t know. He might have thought he was a burden, a thought I have often and if you are depressed you also have felt that I’m sure. He was not, I am not, you are not. If you need to talk, talk. If you feel sad, feel sad but don’t let it get so bad that you can’t see the beauty in the wind.

I felt you in a million different time periods.
In the past and the future and decades I’d never see.
Yet I knew that even if I was,
Even if I was in the 1920’s and you were born in 2140 
I’d still love you.
Just something about the way those eyes
Pierce into my soul
I think they’d do that, even if we never met

You always thought things would be different
You dreamt of a world that was easier
Where you just simply lived and things flowed.
You are realizing now that life is a daily struggle.
Wake up and feel alive
Just do it, it won’t be simple but you will feel good after awhile,
Or at least that’s what I tell myself.
Maybe you should too

I hated the world
But I was really only hating me.